My First Kiss, Or How I Couldn't Stop Bleeding (With a Clip!)

I think everyone wants their first kiss to be like that. Most ladies would agree, yes? But there's just one problem: I'm not Ryan Gosling and she wasn't Rachel McAdams. I was a young strapping lad of 13 and she was a beautiful darling of 14. Ah, what a cougar she was!

To quote Salinger: She was a girl, who for a ringing phone, dropped exactly nothing.

Not exactly. Her name was "Juliet" (that's a coverup) and she was into metal music and the gothic lifestyle. She claimed to have liked Hot Topic before it became socially unacceptable to shop there. Her parents didn't understand her and if she could just run away all her problems would be solved. Nobody understood her. She was a recluse.

And somehow I ended up with Juliet. This was my first REAL girlfriend. I had a little crush on a girl in Kindergarden and then in 6th grade. But nothing like Juliet. I don't know what exactly drew me to her. I spoke with her a few weeks ago and asked if I could write about this. She had no problem with that.

So I arrived at the movie theatre about 15 minutes early. I stood outside by the box office next to some other guys; some were my age, some were older. They all had spiked up hair with that "just took a shower" look. You know, the "I'm-not-sure-how-much-gel-to-use-so-I'll-just-keep-putting-more-on" look. I would be a liar if I didn't say that my hair was included in this.

"Hey man", I say to one of the guys. "Waiting on your girlfriend?"

"(Explicit) you. Leave me alone. Stop staring at me, punk."

Just then, Juliet showed up. It seems she had forgotten her purse. And that she was mad at her mother because she made her older brother and his best friend come to the movie with us. And that nobody understood her. Yeah, we get that. You're different. We know.

She was about 15 minutes late and we walked into the theatre, just catching the end of the trailers. I HATED THAT! The trailers are my favorite part. I always thought they should be at the end though. That's another story...

So me and Juliet find a spot on the second to last row of the movie theatre, while her brother and his friend sit directly behind us. That's just perfect. Thank you, Tybalt.

The movie begins (Scary Movie 3, in case anyone is wondering) and already my nerves are acting up. Why am I sweating under my arms? Was I getting taller? Was there hair growing above my upper lip? Was this that puberty thing everyone talked about?! Why was it happening now??

I count to 10 in my head and decide to grab her hand. It works. Success. I have gone to second base now. A few minutes pass. I look at her, she looks at me.

"This is it man! You can do it!", I thought to myself.

We go in for the kiss. My mouth is wide open and my tongue is going wild. She decided she only wanted a peck. I end up basically eating her lips. Fail. A few more minutes pass. We try again. Same thing, but with roles reversed; she ends up eating my lips while I took the conservative route. This is not going well. Finally, on the 3rd time we connect. Wow this is kind of good. I like this.

"Stop...", she says. Have I upset her?

"What's wrong, Juliet?"

"I just have to stop every once in a while; my allergies are acting up and I can't breathe out of my nose. I can only breathe out of my mouth."

...Wow. Whatever. We continue kissing but taking a pit stop every once in a while so she can breathe and not asphyxiate. Suddenly, I feel a warm liquid in my mouth. What was that?

Well, mystery solved. It was my upper lip, which Juliet had cut with her braces. I was now the proud owner of a cut lip and could not stop bleeding. I had to grab a napkin that reeked of pickles and popcorn and hold it to my mouth, every once in a while, succumbing to the smell and gagging. We finally made the decision to leave the movie early and call my mom via the oldest trick in the book: Collect Call. The operator would ask for my name, I would say very quickly, "mom it's me come pick me up bye". My mother would then hear who's calling, listen to my secret message hidden in the text, decline the collect call, and come pick me up. Outside the theatre, Juliet's brother, Tybalt, expresses his disapproval and anger.

"Man that movie was so funny...I can't believe we had to leave...This is so stupid...You are so stupid. Who cuts themselves open on his first date? You are so dumb. Of everyone I know, you are the biggest idiot. You win the Pansy Award."

"Leave him alone, Tybalt! Look, I'm really sorry about how badly tonight went. I really like hanging out with you and stuff, but I don't think it's gonna work. Sorry. Ok see you Monday. Bye!"

And with that, I had experienced 2nd and 3rd base (or at least what I thought 2nd and 3rd base was when I was 13...man was I wrong), the most embarrassing moment of my life up until then, public humiliation, and my first break up within the same night.

So what did we learn from all this? The first kiss isn't going to be like "The Notebook"; if you're a late bloomer, who cares. Everyone comes around at some point. I went on to have a successful personal life in high school, so something like this didn't really set me back.

Fun fact: Juliet never dated a man again and is now in a committed relationship in Louisiana with a young lady whom she claims to love.

And the movie was REALLY bad.