My First Kiss, Or How I Couldn't Stop Bleeding (With a Clip!)

I think everyone wants their first kiss to be like that. Most ladies would agree, yes? But there's just one problem: I'm not Ryan Gosling and she wasn't Rachel McAdams. I was a young strapping lad of 13 and she was a beautiful darling of 14. Ah, what a cougar she was!

To quote Salinger: She was a girl, who for a ringing phone, dropped exactly nothing.

Not exactly. Her name was "Juliet" (that's a coverup) and she was into metal music and the gothic lifestyle. She claimed to have liked Hot Topic before it became socially unacceptable to shop there. Her parents didn't understand her and if she could just run away all her problems would be solved. Nobody understood her. She was a recluse.

And somehow I ended up with Juliet. This was my first REAL girlfriend. I had a little crush on a girl in Kindergarden and then in 6th grade. But nothing like Juliet. I don't know what exactly drew me to her. I spoke with her a few weeks ago and asked if I could write about this. She had no problem with that.

So I arrived at the movie theatre about 15 minutes early. I stood outside by the box office next to some other guys; some were my age, some were older. They all had spiked up hair with that "just took a shower" look. You know, the "I'm-not-sure-how-much-gel-to-use-so-I'll-just-keep-putting-more-on" look. I would be a liar if I didn't say that my hair was included in this.

"Hey man", I say to one of the guys. "Waiting on your girlfriend?"

"(Explicit) you. Leave me alone. Stop staring at me, punk."

Just then, Juliet showed up. It seems she had forgotten her purse. And that she was mad at her mother because she made her older brother and his best friend come to the movie with us. And that nobody understood her. Yeah, we get that. You're different. We know.

She was about 15 minutes late and we walked into the theatre, just catching the end of the trailers. I HATED THAT! The trailers are my favorite part. I always thought they should be at the end though. That's another story...

So me and Juliet find a spot on the second to last row of the movie theatre, while her brother and his friend sit directly behind us. That's just perfect. Thank you, Tybalt.

The movie begins (Scary Movie 3, in case anyone is wondering) and already my nerves are acting up. Why am I sweating under my arms? Was I getting taller? Was there hair growing above my upper lip? Was this that puberty thing everyone talked about?! Why was it happening now??

I count to 10 in my head and decide to grab her hand. It works. Success. I have gone to second base now. A few minutes pass. I look at her, she looks at me.

"This is it man! You can do it!", I thought to myself.

We go in for the kiss. My mouth is wide open and my tongue is going wild. She decided she only wanted a peck. I end up basically eating her lips. Fail. A few more minutes pass. We try again. Same thing, but with roles reversed; she ends up eating my lips while I took the conservative route. This is not going well. Finally, on the 3rd time we connect. Wow this is kind of good. I like this.

"Stop...", she says. Have I upset her?

"What's wrong, Juliet?"

"I just have to stop every once in a while; my allergies are acting up and I can't breathe out of my nose. I can only breathe out of my mouth."

...Wow. Whatever. We continue kissing but taking a pit stop every once in a while so she can breathe and not asphyxiate. Suddenly, I feel a warm liquid in my mouth. What was that?

Well, mystery solved. It was my upper lip, which Juliet had cut with her braces. I was now the proud owner of a cut lip and could not stop bleeding. I had to grab a napkin that reeked of pickles and popcorn and hold it to my mouth, every once in a while, succumbing to the smell and gagging. We finally made the decision to leave the movie early and call my mom via the oldest trick in the book: Collect Call. The operator would ask for my name, I would say very quickly, "mom it's me come pick me up bye". My mother would then hear who's calling, listen to my secret message hidden in the text, decline the collect call, and come pick me up. Outside the theatre, Juliet's brother, Tybalt, expresses his disapproval and anger.

"Man that movie was so funny...I can't believe we had to leave...This is so stupid...You are so stupid. Who cuts themselves open on his first date? You are so dumb. Of everyone I know, you are the biggest idiot. You win the Pansy Award."

"Leave him alone, Tybalt! Look, I'm really sorry about how badly tonight went. I really like hanging out with you and stuff, but I don't think it's gonna work. Sorry. Ok see you Monday. Bye!"

And with that, I had experienced 2nd and 3rd base (or at least what I thought 2nd and 3rd base was when I was 13...man was I wrong), the most embarrassing moment of my life up until then, public humiliation, and my first break up within the same night.

So what did we learn from all this? The first kiss isn't going to be like "The Notebook"; if you're a late bloomer, who cares. Everyone comes around at some point. I went on to have a successful personal life in high school, so something like this didn't really set me back.

Fun fact: Juliet never dated a man again and is now in a committed relationship in Louisiana with a young lady whom she claims to love.

And the movie was REALLY bad.

Anthony Hopkins Hates Me

When opportunity knocks at the door, one should answer it. I mean, not always; that’s what peepholes are for. You look through it and you see who is knocking, then you make the decision to open the door. I would say that nine times out of ten you should go ahead and answer the door. Not all the time though. I mean if the Hamburgler or Tom Cruise knocked on your door, I would advise you not to open the door. If you want your hamburgers stolen or your couch ruined, then by all means open the door.

So what exactly am I talking about? I’ll tell you. Sometimes it’s not the best idea to open opportunity’s door. Example:

Let’s journey back to the summer of 2006. I was accepted into UCLA’s film summer conservatory. I was so excited. I was getting to study my passion in a different light (in front of a camera and not on stage). As we walked into class one day, we took our seats. I was trying my latest pick up line on Karen.

“Hey Karen!”

“Oh, hey JP….”

“Is your dad in jail? Because he stole the stars and put them in your eyes…”

“My dad is serving 6 years in prison.”

“Oh my God, I am so sorry Karen. I had no ide-“

Suddenly the teacher walked in with a gigantic smile on his face. There was something different about him today. I think it was the tie. Normally he would wear gym shorts and a Jimmy Buffett t-shirt. Normally unkempt, he came in clean-shaven. Had he gotten a haircut? I would have asked Karen, but I think she was busy filling out forms to file a restraining order against me.

“Settle down everyone. We have a very special treat for you guys today. Instead of our normal lesson plan, we’re going to introduce you to our guest speaker: Sir Anthony Hopkins.”

WHAT?! He was here?! In the room?! My heart jumped into my throat. I cannot believe he was here. Was this an improv exercise? Were they gonna take a picture of our eager faces?

Nope. He just walked in the room. OMG!!!

So he speaks about his career. He speaks about playing Hannibal Lecter, about working on “Amistad”, and the awkward combination of fragments and inside jokes known as “Alexander”. Then it was announced that there would be a Q&A.

I eagerly raised my hand. After about 4 or 5 people, my teacher called on me.

“Hi, Sir Hopkins. Let me first just say that I am a gigantic fan. My question deals with character preparation. How do you dive deep into the roles like Hannibal Lecter and your role in “Hearts in Atlantis”? How do you truly discover the great stuff about those characters?”

“I study the text. Next question.”

I study the text? My 20 seconds with one of the greatest actors of all time, and his response was, “I study the text.” Everyone looked at me like I was the biggest idiot on the face of the planet. People were asking questions like, “Oh my god you worked with Colin Farrell? Is he hotter in person?!”, and “ What’s your favorite color?”. I thought he would tell me that I was the best actor, and he realized this by only hearing me ask a question. I was wrong. My teacher treated me badly for the rest of the class. People stared at me and threw rocks at me. I just asked a simple question and soon after, I had become the laughing stock of UCLA. I probably won’t ever get cast in anything in L.A.

By the way, Anthony Hopkins thinks Collin Farrell IS hotter in person, and red is Anthony Hopkins’ favorite color. Just in case you were wondering.